from the corner of my couch: Dear Emmie

Dear Emmie,

Happy 8th birthday sweet girl! Eight years ago I became a mother. After 9mo of anticipating your arrival the moment had finally arrived. When the doctor said it was time to push I was suddenly so nervous. I knew that our lives were about to change forever. And oh how you have changed our lives! By default of being the first born I have learned most of my parenting "skills" by trial and error with you. (Sorry...curse of the first born...as a first born myself I feel your pain.) And no matter what you think of my parenting skills I hope you always know that both your dad and I always try to do what we thought was best for you.
As I look at you today it is hard to believe that only 8 short years ago you were the tiny baby in my arms. Every day I feel like you are sneaking a little closer to that "grown up" line. Some days it's nice and some days it breaks my heart a little.
Emmie, when I wrote your letter last year I had NO idea what this year would hold for us. I never dreamed of the challenges we would face this year.
This year you were diagnosed with seizures. The first half of the summer is just a blur to me. Most of what I remember is a lot of worrying, a bit of crying, a lot of phone calls to doctors, and so, so many unknowns. Oh, and a lot of watching every.single.move. you made. (You will learn, if you haven't already, that I'm a doer. If there's a problem I want quick solutions and I want to be able to fix it. Waiting 2 months to see a neurologist does not fit into my personality!) Then you started your medicine and some days it was such a battle getting you to take it. Then we dealt with stomach pains and exhaustion. It would break my heart to see you so exhausted that you couldn't stay awake on the 15 minute ride home from school. There have been many days where by 5 or 6 o'clock you can barely function. It is a daily and weekly balancing act that we play to allow you to do the things you want to do while still getting you enough sleep. Some weeks we win and some weeks we don't but we are learning and we have learned so much together. There is also a balancing act we play where we work so hard to not let you feel like you are defined or limited by your seizures. I want you know that just because you have seizures does not mean that you can't do the things you love, like dancing and swim team.
This year we also faced your first struggles in school. You were so exhausted at the beginning of the school year as we figured out what activities you could and couldn't do while on the medicine. We learned that you had to go to bed almost an hour earlier than you had been and that helped a lot. We realized that you did a lot better when you sat at the front of the class. It helped you focus and you could hear better. (Funny girl, you told me after you were moved to the front of the class that you could hear your teacher now! Sorry kiddo, you have waxy ears!) So not only were you exhausted and still having seizures at the beginning of the school year but you also struggled with math. You and I worked so hard on math every day and we finally made it to the other side! Together we have conquered math and now you come home each Thursday and happily sit down and do all your math homework for the week! My heart broke for you all those afternoons that you sat and just sobbed over your math worksheet and told me you felt "stupid" and defeated. I know there will be other times that you struggle with a subject in school but I hope you look back at 2nd grade math and remember that it DID turn out ok and that I am ALWAYS on your side and will ALWAYS be there to help you.
Some days I feel like we went through a war this year and we're just starting to emerge on the other side. I have no clue what next year will hold but I know that whatever it is, we will get through it together.
This year hasn't been all struggles though. This year we saw you dance in your first Dance Theater production. You have been looking forward to being old enough for a few years and you had the BEST time! You had a wonderful summer of swim team and swam in your first A meets. You loved being a part of the big team. This year we went to Disney world (although you were a bit resistant at first since it meant you didn't get a birthday party this year) and had a wonderful time making so many fun memories. This year you were one of 3 second graders at your school who qualified for ALERT at the beginning of second grade! You had your recital for jazz and ballet and loved every minute on stage. You spent the night with a friend for the first time (and did great) and had a friend over to spend the night for the first time. You made all As on your first "real" report card...even with some not so great math grades at the beginning of the quarter you worked hard and got your grade up to an A. You love school, even when math was tough you still went every day with a smile on your face. You love your teacher and your friends which makes me oh so happy.

There have been countless times this year that I've been so proud of you.

You had a friend that ate dinner with us on Halloween and she asked you about your medicine. You explained that it was for your seizures and then you explained what seizures were. I was so proud of you. You were so casual and matter of fact. I don't know how many of your friends know about your seizures because we've left it up to you to tell or not tell people but I love knowing that you understand enough about them to explain and that you are comfortable explaining your seizures.

I love to watch you with your siblings. You are such a good sister. You are always willing to help them (and help me). You are always there to read a book or kiss a boo-boo. I'm always entertained when I watch y'all play and see that you have them (literally) marching in line. Thank you for being the big sister that you are!

Emmie, you are a typical first born child. You are type A, you are loud, you are positive you are in charge and you are willing to step in and take charge of any situation. You are independent. You are a helper. You worry enough for our whole family. Your sense of responsibility is off the charts. Sometimes you can be a bit overwhelming! But Emmie you are absolutely the sweetest kid, with the biggest heart. You have a heart of gold and many times I have been brought to tears by your kind heart. Sometimes your teacher will tell me stories of your kindness and they just melt my heart. There have been times that you have included kids who have been excluded. The other day you told me about a little boy that some people don't like and you said you just didn't understand why. He hadn't done anything to them and he was very nice...why would people say mean things? You have a buddy in your class that you keep an extra eye out for and you have pretty much appointed yourself as this child's mother while at school (this has been going on since the first day of kindergarten...poor kid!). You come home sometimes and tell me that you need more snacks because you shared one with a child that didn't have one. You go out of your way to do nice things for those in need or who are hurting. I hope that as you grow older you never harden your heart. With your love for other people and your first born personality you can do great things Emmie Jane!

I can't wait to see what 8 has in store for you!

Love, Mom